By Matthew Soo, illustration by Isabelle Fuentes
The Psalmist writes in Psalm 139:1 “You’ve searched me Lord – and you know me.” My name is Matt Soo, I’m currently a final year law student in SMU – and this is my testimony on how the Lord met me in my despair and gave me Hope.
Before Hope
I grew up in a church-going family. Sundays were always meant for Church. By the time I entered my late teens, Church was a place of comfort. My friends were there. I lived, laughed, and loved the people around me. Church was a place where I grew and matured as a person. I played the guitar, planned the funfairs, attended the Bible studies and participated in other activities. In short, I was present. Strangely enough, in the midst of all that, Church was never really about God. Yes there was encounter, but Jesus was never more attractive to me than all the Church activities happening around me.
In the Wilderness
I eventually fell away. When my friends were removed from the equation, there was little reason for me to continue attending Church. I still identified as a Christian – but I did not live like one. God was a concept, not my father. I could give all the right answers to theological questions – but I could not live them out. I term that season of my life as my time in the wilderness. Just like how the Israelites intellectually knew God but couldn’t obey – so too was I disobedient.
Identity Crisis
In this crisis of Identity – I turned to everything that seemed to give others so much meaning. I strove for success in all my pursuits – in my studies and relationships. I took pride in being the person who could drink all night and still function the next day. I was proud of my amazing grades and my ability to juggle that with whoever I was dating at that point in time. Amidst all that pride however, I felt empty. I felt empty because no matter what I accomplished, I was unhappy. The highest grades felt meaningless. The most entertaining parties were merely filled with conversations that I’ve had countless times.
This, my friends – is where Hope arose
The Lord met me in the midst of this emptiness. Knowing me and my inmost struggles, the Lord allowed me to encounter him again – renewing my strength through faith. This was not done in a single moment. Instead, just as the paralytic man was slowly lowered to Jesus – so too was I carried on the shoulders of my friends. In his infinite wisdom, God put people in my life who dragged me to him. One friend spent an entire semester getting rejected every time she invited me to attend a community session. Despite these rejections – she eventually got me to sign up for Cell-Group. Another group of determined friends signed me up for the Combined University Retreat (CUR) without me knowing! Others in the community took time to walk with me, they made the effort of getting to know me as a brother in Christ without any agenda other than being present to me.
The subtle but sure ways of God
Through the many “yes(s)” of these faithful friends, God worked in my heart in small, unseen ways. As I slowly opened up to attending community sessions; going for CUR, and journeying with a cell group – my heart started to soften. I began to desire more and more of Jesus when I realized that even the small moments set aside to meet him filled my heart with so much Joy. The more I oriented myself toward the Cross, the more my sense of emptiness was replaced with a sense of contentment. My days were no longer filled with the overwhelming sense of loss, instead they were filled with peace that was rooted in my identity in Christ. Today, I can truly say that my life has been transformed. I am no longer chasing the latest fad or exciting party. Instead, I live with a peace which surpasses all understanding.
Hope is tangible
Friends, the story you’ve heard today is a testament to our faithful God. No matter how far I tried to run – He chased after me. No matter how many times I rejected Him, space was held for me to encounter the Lord as my God again. Through it all, Hope has become something tangible in my life. My faith (or Hope in the Lord) has given me the strength to die tangibly to myself. At its core, my Hope in the Lord convicted me to live my life differently. The desire to be Holy is no longer something I dismiss as irrational, but rather something that brings me peace.
The great thing is that anyone can encounter the Lord, and experience this Hope. My invitation to you today is to say three simple words and mean it. Try this one: “Lord, help me.” Allow Him to surprise you.
