by Lenny & Denise, illustration by Alicia Lim
We Met 6 Years Ago & have been Married One Year (well almost)!
We have been married since last December; we started dating 5 years ago, a few months after meeting at Catholic Youth Day in 2016. At that point in our lives, we had both encountered Jesus in a very personal way. He alone filled the space in our hearts, and this allowed us to come together as two whole individuals, who did not need to be together, but could discern and make the intentional choice to journey together. In Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s words, “love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outwards together in the same direction.” In our search for heaven, we had stumbled upon a companion making the same journey.
Learning How to Love Through Our Imperfections
Of course, being the imperfect human beings that we are, we have had different challenges over the years – yet God always reminds us of our destination and teaches us to love each other with a more Christ-centered love. Just like exercise strengthens our other muscles, it takes effort, commitment and skill to get better at love.
Challenges in Marriage – “I” vs ‘We”
Throughout our relationship and especially in marriage, one challenge we have often struggled with is thinking as an ‘I’ instead of a ‘we.’ It is often easier to make a decision for myself, to think of my own happiness or desires and to consider my own needs and preferences. It definitely takes a lot of effort to think of ourselves as part of a team and to prioritise unity, even when it may not be the most efficient thing to do.
Some Kitchen Woes
When we first moved to our own home, I (Denise) would cook all our meals because Lenny did not know how to cook. Though I was happy to cook, I also felt resentful at times. I had to travel home from work and cook, while Lenny could work from home and still do his own things until dinner was ready. Yet when Lenny did help out, I would often feel anxious that things would take longer or be less efficient. I ended up easily annoyed and felt like it would be easier to just do it myself. This made Lenny feel inferior and guilty and we would both end up arguing and feeling unhappy.
Bringing Our Struggles to Prayer → Growing in Unity
Yet being married means that it is no longer just about me, or the efficiency of completing a task myself. We brought our struggles to prayer and we realised that Jesus was calling us to grow in patience and trust. As we let go of speed and efficiency, we found ourselves growing in unity instead. Though dinner took longer to be ready, we grew in appreciation for each other – Lenny for his willingness to learn and desire to contribute; Denise for her patience in guiding and allowing Lenny to make mistakes. Remembering we are on the same team helps us to love each other more fully and to accept each other’s love.
The Honesty & Vulnerability that is Necessary in the Giving of Ourselves Fully
Another challenge we have faced in marriage is learning to give of ourselves fully. I (Lenny) used to think that it was easier to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself and I would often hesitate to share how I felt until I snapped from keeping it all in. I would tell myself that it was better to avoid conflict or that I did not want to burden Denise with how I felt. At the same time, I (Denise) also struggled to be honest about things that hurt or upset me, and to express my needs clearly. I was afraid of revealing my true self and being rejected. This would often cause misunderstandings that resulted in fights and arguments, sometimes over the littlest things. What we did not realise was that holding back on our thoughts, feelings and emotions was also holding back on giving of ourselves fully.
Love Means A Total Gift of Self
Love means a total gift of self, and this means that we are called to give all of ourselves to each other – physically, emotionally, our presence, time, joys and sorrows. Everything. Just as Jesus gave Himself to us completely, we are also called to give of ourselves. In withholding our vulnerability, we were preventing ourselves from growing in intimacy and love. As Jesus revealed this to us, we committed to be more intentional about regularly sharing honestly and holding space for each other.
Grounding Ourselves In Our First & Foremost Identity As His Beloved
Though it is still challenging to be completely honest and vulnerable with each other, being firm in our identity as beloved son and daughter of God gives us the courage to be our full, authentic selves. Just as God sees and knows us, yet still loves us, we are learning to trust that we can love and be loved in that same way in marriage. While this love is difficult, painful at times and not easily attained, it is immensely rewarding, and has helped us to appreciate God’s love for us even more.
It Starts From First Being Loved By Him!
Growing in real authentic love has often been difficult, yet we claim the truth that God is love, and we who are made in His image are made with the capacity to love as well. At the end of the day, we are teammates, and we have Jesus as the captain of our team. Even when love is tough, we are first loved by Him, and it is from being loved that we always find the strength to love each other.
