by Amanda Tan
In the days during Lent leading up to Easter, I found myself comparing my abilities and doubting God’s gifts to me. Many lies told me that my work is not good enough; my reflections of my art pieces were boring. And thus, right after Easter Sunday, I dwelled and allowed myself to despair in sadness and inadequacy.
However, during my reflection the next few days, God reminded me to take heart even in the little faith that I have in Him. He revealed to me the lack of confidence I had in myself, which eventually has led to many other insecurities and fears manifesting in me. Almost immediately, this song- Confidence by Sanctus Real, came into mind, and it felt like God reassuring me that He will give me a Faith like Daniel in the lions’ den; Hope like Moses in the wilderness, a Heart like David so that I can face my giants with Him, in confidence.
I grew up in an environment where I was very sheltered and protected by my family, which I never thought of it as a “bad” thing or situation to be in. In recent years of returning to God, it was brought to light that I have been living in this constant fear- Fear of making my parents upset and angry when I wanted to pursue what I desired; Fear of becoming a disappointment or being defined by my flaws when I made a mistake; Fear of looking silly and to be mocked at when I share my genuine desires and wanted to be myself and many more. Which often resulted in self-fulfilling prophecies- the more I feared, the more these lies started clouding my mind. Subconsciously as I grew up, my identity was slowly built on these lies. Such that, whenever I faced situations that could potentially lead to any of these negative consequences, I panic and will back down immediately. Living in this identity gave me a low self-esteem, that very often I did not want to face any difficult situations and had a constant reminder to be extra careful with everything before me.
In the recent E-mmaus session, it was shared that the primary gift from God is God Himself. But the issue does not lie in the giver giving, but in the receiver receiving. As I reflected on this phrase, I was reminded to trust in Him first, and that there is truly no fear in this act of trust because His perfect love for me casts out all fears. “And then the secondary gifts will fall into place after we receive the primary gift of God himself”- these “secondary gifts” are the graces and goodness of God. The desire for freedom and to break free from these chains are also what the Lord desires for me. As I drew out these scenes of Daniel, Moses and David, I was reminded of the courageous front that each of them had when facing their trials, but ultimately, having a heart of confidence in the Lord that He was with them. As such, the Lord continues to invite me to submit and to trust in Him, “for God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7).
Although I am still a work-in-progress, but with a fresh pair of eyes and with a convicted heart, I proclaim that the Lord is good to me and I desire to face my giants, and the many fears I have, in confidence with Him. Amen.