by Benedict Chan
I grew up with four siblings, my parents, my grandma and a helper. So being the fourth out of five children, seeking attention and finding affection was thoughtlessly a big part of my life since I was young. I wanted to be close to my parents who were actively serving in church since they converted to the faith, so, like them, I tried to look to God. Yet I began to seek approval from God in a self-centered and prideful manner.
While my parents had devised good ways to ensure that all of us had individual time with them, they also poured money as an expression of their love for us. In the process, I grew up feeling like the makings of a business project that needed to yield returns. I remember being labelled as a late bloomer because I did not achieve what was expected of me initially. As a result, I started to make unconscious vows that I had to get everything right, or just do better and I began to fear making mistakes.
I entered the School of Witness wanting to discover how I might serve God better; but He had other plans. On a trip at home, I had a difficult encounter with my Dad which left me feeling unworthy and helpless. At that moment, I became aware that my image of God had been highly shaped by my experiences with my dad. Unknowingly, I had come to view God as a merciless judge, scrupulously keeping track of my results.
Providentially, I returned to the school, to a session on the love of God the Father. My cell group leader helped me to realise how I had been caught in a cat and mouse relationship with God. I knew God’s plan to be perfect; but I was afraid to mess it up. However, God revealed to me that He was actually a perfect Father who desired to shower me with love and remind me that I am first His child. He wanted to show me that I was already made good in Him and that nothing I do can take that away. He reassured me that even when I had made mistakes, His loving hand would still be with me and guide me. I did not need to hide in any achievements for him to be happy for me. At that moment, I knew I was home.
More testimonies on the love of God the Father:
Now I am looking at life renewed! In recent interactions with my family, I have been able to recognise the negativity that I used to hold on to, but now I am able to fight it and know that I’m no less loved and worthy in my identity. Because of God’s revelation, I am strengthened to overcome the challenges originally brought about by these interactions.
I may not be able to change the situation but I know that God has renewed my eyes and heart to recognise His voice. Even when sufferings arise, I know now that God is working for my good, and he will not leave me in those times. Never again will I fall victim to the script that I am unworthy of love, for God is my rock and in him I am safely held.
Now my friends, will you let God reveal himself and bring light in your lives, to remind you that you are loved, to be called worthy and his redeemed?