by Jean D’Cruz
Before coming into SOW, my relationship with Christ was one where I kept Him at arm’s length as I was afraid of what He would call me to do.I graduated from university last August and found that starting a new phase can be both scary and exciting at the same time (maybe more scary). My biggest fear coming into the school , was being pushed out of my comfort zone and having to do things that would make me too visible. I felt very comfortable just living in my own shell.
As I prepared myself for the school,I hoped that coming into the school would help me grow in intimacy with Jesus, so that I could trust in Him and His plans for me more. As I continued to give my yeses to all of His little invitations, He led me to walk with Him into areas of trust and surrender in my life. During one of the worship sessions in the first week of the school, I remembered crying my eyes out as I re-experienced sadness and frustration from a few years ago. It was my first semester in university and everyone seemed okay with just thriving on their own. This was a problem for me because I really don’t think one can reasonably survive this journey on earth without companionship. (Friends are important). Even though I had friends, there were many times that I felt so alone and lost in school. I didn’t feel anyone was truly genuine. I remember so clearly waking up every morning, staring at the ceiling asking myself, ” Why do I exist? What am I supposed to do in life?”.
I would head to school with a throbbing head almost everyday. There were many times during that semester when I felt I had lost all purpose in life and wanted to either just disappear from the face of the earth or was hoping for the world to end. It was by far the worst season of my life. I was very reluctant to let God be the author of my life. I wanted to take matters into my own hands. I remember saying very clearly to myself, “I got this, I can do it on my own”. So during that worship session, I finally grieved for the many times I intentionally rejected the Lord.
Held by Jean
A few nights after that worship session, we were asked to claim the Lordship Of Jesus over our lives. We were invited to vocalise a prayer of surrender in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I remember feeling very in awe of the tangible love that the Lord has for me. The memories of me turning away from God and taking matters into my own hands played in my mind again. The Lord showed me even during those moments He was standing right there in front of me, patiently waiting for me to open my heart and receive Him. Then and there I prayed, “Jesus, you are my Lord & Saviour. Lover of my entire being. You have always been there. You see me, you know me. You know the desires of my heart, my fears, my struggles. I want to surrender them all into your loving hands. Do with them as you will.Stir in my heart to love you more, to give every moment of my life to You”
It was a night that I will always cherish and hold close to my heart as claiming Jesus’s Lordship over my life meant that my life is totally His now. Christ alone is enough and there is no turning back. There are still moments in my life where I still feel like I need to be in control but the difference now is that in spite of all of my stubbornness and insecurities, I have faith and hope that Jesus is right by my side, loving me and fighting my battles alongside me. I will continue to look at Him, choose Him and only Him to be the Guide of my life.
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I can wholeheartedly say that I am made new through Jesus who has moved in my heart and my life. I believe that this God who has thought of each one of you, chosen you to be part of His beautiful creation wants to be part of your life, not just in one area but in all of your life! Will you give Him your yes?
