Finding God in Grief
testimony by ADELINE CHEW
illustrated by SARAH PHUA
As someone who had always rejected Christianity, it would have been unthinkable for me to set foot in a church. Somehow, I was called to the Church and attended the first mass of my life, attended RCIY, and was baptised on 10 April 2021. Looking back, it still amazes me how much things have moved in my life since I opened myself up to God. How was someone so faithfully unfaithful led to faith?
My first mass was a funeral mass. If I could identify a starting point, it would be the passing of my beloved aunt mid 2020. Back then, I was utterly confused—people were queueing up to eat biscuits, there was smoke everywhere… But I remember very distinctly how cradled and comforted I felt. Amidst the grief and distress, I felt like I was in a strangely peaceful place. Looking at my aunt resting in the coffin while listening to the homily made me feel assured that she was off to somewhere safe.
My first funeral mass prompted me to join RCIY as an inquirer. It felt as though I was a curious child drawn to the glisten of something beautiful, but buried deep was a sense of anger. I resented the fact that some being that others described as great would take away someone I had loved so much. I wanted to know Him so that I could fight Him for taking my aunt away.
Knowing God was not easy, let alone trying to understand Him. After weeks of struggling to let God into my life and wrestling with the false image of God as a made-up being, I was first moved to tears by God as I learnt about Mother Mary. Mary’s life inspired me to open my heart to God. I could not humanly understand the depths of her commitment and courage. When I started to appreciate and adore Mary, I began to comprehend the realness of Jesus Christ. It was through Mary’s “yes” that Jesus was made real—a man, born of this earth.
Since I opened my heart to Jesus, He has never stopped moving me. As a prideful person, I can only bow in humility to the beauty and power of Jesus in adoration, in mass, in the eucharist, in my life. I am moved by and in awe of all things beyond human understanding—why do I tear up when I come before the consecrated Eucharist? Is there a truly satisfactory human explanation for this?
The Easter Triduum was the pinnacle of my RCIY journey. I felt as if I were reliving Jesus’ Passion as a useless bystander. While there were many liturgies, I felt myself entering into this state of grief that was at once so familiar – the same helplessness, hopelessness and loss as I was watching Jesus die away, but all I could do was watch.
This was the truth that was revealed to me those three days: the ability to grieve means that I have been gifted with love.
I have loved. I have been loved. I am loved.
In John 12:24, Jesus says, “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” When Father Jude first shared this with me early into my inquiry, I dismissed the idea that my aunt’s death was any good. How can I deny that now?
Even though my aunt’s passing still hits many tender nerves, her passing has resulted in the fruit of my birth as a follower of Jesus Christ. And so Father Jude says that she must be praying really hard from heaven. I trust that she is praying for my transformation. Within me, I know that some things have changed. I feel different – more open, more free. God has shown me glimpses of peace with relationships that I struggled with, be it family, work, friends, self.
Peer pressure was not what led me to baptism. I made the choice to say yes to Jesus because I have fallen in love with Him, and have experienced the healing powers of God. Through Him, I want to be a better human being by living a life closer to God. But I am fully aware that baptism doesn’t make us perfect. It isn’t a sign that we can plaster on ourselves that says, “I AM A GOOD HUMAN NOW BECAUSE I FOLLOW JESUS CHRIST.”
I am still a sinner. There is still so much learning, unlearning and relearning to do to become a better human being as a Christian. But as I embark on this journey with humility and gratitude, I know for sure that I was never alone and I will never walk alone.
Brothers & sisters, you have never been alone.
Will you open your heart to Jesus, take Him by the hand and say yes?
Finding God in Grief
testimony by ADELINE CHEW
illustrations by SARAH PHUA
As someone who had always rejected Christianity, it would have been unthinkable for me to set foot in a church. Somehow, I was called to the Church and attended the first mass of my life, attended RCIY, and was baptised on 10 April 2021. Looking back, it still amazes me how much things have moved in my life since I opened myself up to God. How was someone so faithfully unfaithful led to faith?
My first mass was a funeral mass. If I could identify a starting point, it would be the passing of my beloved aunt mid 2020. Back then, I was utterly confused—people were queueing up to eat biscuits, there was smoke everywhere… But I remember very distinctly how cradled and comforted I felt. Amidst the grief and distress, I felt like I was in a strangely peaceful place. Looking at my aunt resting in the coffin while listening to the homily made me feel assured that she was off to somewhere safe.
My first funeral mass prompted me to join RCIY as an inquirer. It felt as though I was a curious child drawn to the glisten of something beautiful, but buried deep was a sense of anger. I resented the fact that some being that others described as great would take away someone I had loved so much. I wanted to know Him so that I could fight Him for taking my aunt away.
Knowing God was not easy, let alone trying to understand Him. After weeks of struggling to let God into my life and wrestling with the false image of God as a made-up being, I was first moved to tears by God as I learnt about Mother Mary. Mary’s life inspired me to open my heart to God. I could not humanly understand the depths of her commitment and courage. When I started to appreciate and adore Mary, I began to comprehend the realness of Jesus Christ. It was through Mary’s “yes” that Jesus was made real—a man, born of this earth.
Since I opened my heart to Jesus, He has never stopped moving me. As a prideful person, I can only bow in humility to the beauty and power of Jesus in adoration, in mass, in the eucharist, in my life. I am moved by and in awe of all things beyond human understanding—why do I tear up when I come before the consecrated Eucharist? Is there a truly satisfactory human explanation for this?
The Easter Triduum was the pinnacle of my RCIY journey. I felt as if I were reliving Jesus’ Passion as a useless bystander. While there were many liturgies, I felt myself entering into this state of grief that was at once so familiar – the same helplessness, hopelessness and loss as I was watching Jesus die away, but all I could do was watch.
This was the truth that was revealed to me those three days: the ability to grieve means that I have been gifted with love.
I have loved. I have been loved. I am loved.
In John 12:24, Jesus says, “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” When Father Jude first shared this with me early into my inquiry, I dismissed the idea that my aunt’s death was any good. How can I deny that now?
Even though my aunt’s passing still hits many tender nerves, her passing has resulted in the fruit of my birth as a follower of Jesus Christ. And so Father Jude says that she must be praying really hard from heaven. I trust that she is praying for my transformation. Within me, I know that some things have changed. I feel different – more open, more free. God has shown me glimpses of peace with relationships that I struggled with, be it family, work, friends, self.
Peer pressure was not what led me to baptism. I made the choice to say yes to Jesus because I have fallen in love with Him, and have experienced the healing powers of God. Through Him, I want to be a better human being by living a life closer to God. But I am fully aware that baptism doesn’t make us perfect. It isn’t a sign that we can plaster on ourselves that says, “I AM A GOOD HUMAN NOW BECAUSE I FOLLOW JESUS CHRIST.”
I am still a sinner. There is still so much learning, unlearning and relearning to do to become a better human being as a Christian. But as I embark on this journey with humility and gratitude, I know for sure that I was never alone and I will never walk alone.
Brothers & sisters, you have never been alone.
Will you open your heart to Jesus, take Him by the hand and say yes?
