I found it rather annoying that taking the time to find peace caused a greater disturbance in my heart. As I sat before the Lord in adoration one day, I became rather restless and uneasy. “I’m in the Lord’s presence, why am I still not feeling peaceful?”
As I went through the different areas of my life in prayer, there was an area that I deliberately didn’t want to spend that much time with the Lord on, that is, my future – specifically, my work and future career. As a final year student in university, the transition to working life and the desire to find a good job and have a good career, is pretty natural. However, I realised that my reluctance to trust the Lord in this area contributed to a lot of the hustling and busyness in my life these past few months. Whilst I had thought that it was just a small area that was okay to neglect, I realised that the grappling and desire to control this area has a greater ripple effect than I thought. In order to take on more jobs to beef up my resume, much of my time spent outside of academics was being taken up as well. As a person who treasures quality time, this not only affected my relationships with my family and loved ones, but the lack of time for rest and myself was also catching up on me. I realised that my relationship with the Lord had suffered as well. I found myself often telling Him, “Maybe next time, when I have more capacity”.
I soon realised that the restlessness and uneasiness was a way for the Lord to call me back to Him, to go meet Him once again. As the Lord gently nudges me to surrender my future to Him, He also reminds me that it is safest in His hands. He reminds me that He does not hold back on giving me good things. The PEACE that He promises is more than just a feeling of tranquillity, but rather, His desire for me to live freely, not tied down by the fear of what my future holds. The peace I receive isn’t so much the result of the fruits of my own labour, but rather, the security in Him and His hands that hold my future. I left Adoration that day committing to be more present. With my academics, my family, friends, loved ones, with God, to not make daily decisions out of fear. From anxiety about the future, deliver me Jesus.
Litany of Trust