Written by Charlotte Elizabeth Ann Loy, 19
My life before RCIY, on the surface, looked pretty good – I had friends, I was doing well in school and I was a pretty happy kid. However, there were days where I would feel a sort of emptiness that I couldn’t explain – my occasional ruts. Nothing external changed but I would just give up trying for a few days before picking myself up again to only fall back into my ‘rut’. This void was temporarily filled by binge watching k-dramas, going out with friends almost every day and letting myself get caught up in the mundane routine of school life. I took it upon myself to make it seem like I had my life together to conceal that I led a life with little purpose. The attempt to hide that fact led to my identity being placed in the hands of others and my grades.
I entered RCIY eager to encounter this God I first knew about when I was in a mission school. But I also had a lot of fear that I wouldn’t receive anything and was also reluctant since it was my A Level year. I was skeptical about how God could move in the life of someone who knew nothing of the faith and doubted that He was truly alive and present with me. But as I went for the many sessions, I was in awe learning about the Catholic faith, the history of the Church. I also began to realise that there was an answer to the emptiness I felt, and that the fullness of Love, Truth and Beauty that I was desiring could only be found in God. It also hit me how foolish it is to place my identity in structures so shaky when my identity as a child of God was literally unshakeable. I believe that the moment I was fully convicted in His real presence was when I had this overwhelming feeling of peace, even when it seemed like my world was on the brink of crashing. It must have been the Spirit, when it finally dawned on me that there was no meaning in my life because I was living it purely for myself and that I was never really in control of my own life, even though I genuinely thought I was. It was a new feeling of consolation of being aware that God is always present.
I have come to realise that there is always a sense of peace, even when storms hit, when I surrender control to God. I still struggle to recognise His voice and presence amidst the loudness and distractions of the world and try to yank the reigns to guide myself but I know that He remains the same through it all and will always be there for me to run back to. It is also super comforting to know that His love for me is perfect and unconditional which has given my life new meaning and me a new identity. Now, I am learning to take small leaps of faith with my new sense of security found in Him for only God can fill the God-shaped hole in my heart 🙂
Dear friend, God desires to build and deepen a relationship with you. Will you have the courage to take His hand?