Faith the Size of a Mustard Seed
Edwin
Hi, I’m Edwin. I’m a final year Psychology student at NUS, and my testimony is about how God has worked in growing my faith.
I only returned back to faith about 2 years ago. Before that, I left the Church because I was convinced that religion was illogical, especially the concept of faith. I saw religion as just a method which we have created for ourselves in order to deal with the harsh realities of life. And so, when life hit and I could not deal with it, my whole concept of religion was shattered.
In 2019, through God’s grace, I was pulled back into faith. I signed up for the School of Christian Leadership, a 10 day discipleship school run by OYP, as sort of a last attempt at faith, so I could at least say that I really tried. God made use of that opportunity to soften my heart and humbled me by revealing my deep ignorance about the Christian life. That initial encounter with Him caused me to want to know and experience more.
In the first few months that followed, I kept this idea that the concept of faith was crazy and probably only doable by others but not me. Theology was all I cared about. However, as time went by, head knowledge only got me so far in my relationship with God. It showed me who God is but it did not facilitate an intimate connection with Him.
I remember one of the CG sessions, we went for adoration and I was asking God to increase my faith, to teach me what it meant. I don’t know if he was joking or what but the gospel passage for lectio that day was the mustard seed parable. It was the story of Jesus rebuking the disciples for asking Him to increase their faith. I was so angry. I remember complaining to God – how could I increase my own faith, when faith was something that entirely depended on Him? That only after God reveals Himself to me then only, I could have faith. So how could He blame me for not having it?
Upon deeper reflection, I realised that I have just been shirking my responsibility in my relationship with God. At that point God had already granted me the grace to have faith, but due to my impatience and my misguided ideas of what faith should look like, I failed to recognise it and thus was unable to use it. I expected acts of faith to only be great and important moments of our lives, like watershed experiences. But that’s not the case. Faith was in the little things – in saying yes to CSS, going for CG, being part of ministry. Even signing up for SOCL when I was far from Him was an act of faith!
God taught me that faith was like training. He is my trainer. In incrementally giving more yeses to God, I grew in understanding who He was, what His plans were for me, His love for me. Ultimately His desire is for me to grow so that one day I would be able to respond to Him willingly and fully from love for Him. If this faith was given without demanding response or effort, I probably would have gained nothing. It would be like giving the man the fish instead of teaching him how to fish. I learnt that faith requires cooperation too, that faith had to slowly be built and I had to be a part of this process.
Sure enough, He soon called me to make one of the larger decisions in my life so far. To let go of something which defined me for 8 years of my life – my identity as a canoeist. I was training with the national team at that time and it had been my dream to do so since I was 18. I was enjoying myself but yet I always had this feeling that this couldn’t be all there is to my life. But choosing to let go of something that I had wanted for so long and something that was a part of me for so long, how could I possibly do that? I went back and forth for weeks with the decision and fear really took a hold on me. Slowly, God revealed to me that He had made me for more, for Himself. He showed me that clinging onto this identity was preventing me from embracing my true identity – the identity that I am first and foremost a son of God. With that realisation, I finally let it go.
Looking back, I can see that I was spending a ridiculous amount of time on a self-centred pursuit when I was made for so much more than just that. The decision to quit freed up time for me to be present with the Lord. To give my time and gifts to Him, so that He could use me and teach me to fulfil the greater plans He has for me – to give my life to others.
Now, I can confidently say that I don’t regret the decision one bit. But I acknowledge I was only able to do it because of all the small acts of faith which trained me to give that bigger yes to Him.
I still lack faith in many ways but I am confident that it will grow, through both grace and response. My brothers who know me well know how much I struggle with it. But I can confidently say that I am trying. From my understanding of who God is, He is fighting as well, for me to have the faith required for the greatest calling in life, for sainthood.