Finding Freedom
Illustrations by Samantha Fuentes
In 201 9, I flew to Edinburgh to start my University adventure. It was bittersweet leaving behind people I hold very dear to my heart, but the thought of being one step closer to fulfilling my childhood dream of being a veterinarian was very exciting. Furthermore, as someone who kept her social circle small and tight, I was certain that my friendships would stand the test of distance.
However, as time went by, I grew increasingly distant from the people back home. Friends who were previously always there for me had started making new friends in University, grew busier and had less time for me. One by one, they began to walk out of my life. As feelings of abandonment surfaced, I found myself seeking to take control of things. I went out of my way to be the perfect friend and held on tightly to all my friendships, for fear of being forgotten and replaced. I was grasping for people’s attention as I wanted to be remembered and loved, even as I was far away from home. I was constantly feeling empty and homesick, and I repeatedly questioned if it was worth it leaving all that I had back home to be here chasing my dreams.
With these feelings of weariness and desolation, I headed to Glasgow for the Anchor Community’s Day of Recollection in 2019 (DOR) (Anchor is a community for Singapore Catholic Students in Europe). I was honestly reluctant to go and only went because I had no excuse not to, but little did I know that God had something in store for me there. During DOR, God revealed to me that only He can fill the desire for love in my heart. I had been searching for love in places where I could not find it and seeking to be loved by people who were incapable of loving me perfectly—for the perfect love that my heart so desired for could only be satisfied by the One who calls me His beloved daughter.
I left Glasgow with a stirring in my heart and a desire to forge a closer relationship with God. Yet, in the weeks and months that followed, although I continued holding on to the truth that only God’s love can sustain me, there was still something stopping me from allowing myself to be loved fully by Him. Even as I prayed, I only revealed the “good” parts of myself to the Lord, feeling as though I had to prove worthy of His love. Deep down, I was still struggling to trust that He would never abandon me no matter how broken and flawed I was.
It was during the School of Christian Leadership in 2020 (a discipleship school for university students) where God revealed to me that these feelings stemmed from an old wound. During the session on healing, God surfaced a childhood memory that I had long shoved to the back of my mind— the times when I spent recess hiding in the toilet as I had nobody to eat with after being excluded by my group of friends. I remember myself crying, overthinking everything I did and said, wondering why I was suddenly unworthy of their love. That event shaped my human relationships from then on. In my fear of being left alone again, I constantly strove to be perfect and did everything to please the people around me, because it seemed that was the only way I could earn their love and keep them from leaving me.
Yet, in that painful memory, I saw Jesus embracing me as I wept, reminding me that he is always with me even when I do not see him or feel him. Even if the whole world abandons me, he would never forsake me. He revealed to me the truth that there will always be a place for me in my Father’s house, and I belonged there not because of what I could do or achieve, but because of the sheer fact that I was His beloved child. It was then that the reality of the Lord’s perfect love struck me. It is an unconditional love that I do not have to fight for; a love that would not leave me tired and drained. It is a love given freely and openly, and all that I have to do is to open up my hands and heart to receive it. In my search for love, acceptance and validation from others, I had forgotten to turn to the one place where I could find true, everlasting love— my heavenly Father.
Whatever wound God reveals, He heals. Today, as I continue to seek healing from the Lord and detach myself from the need to be accepted and loved by others, He releases me from my chains of fear and insecurities. I choose to root myself in His steadfast and everlasting love for me, and as I place myself in His hands, I trust that He will never leave me orphan. The Lord has allowed me to open myself to being loved and to love freely. In the same way, He also desires to pour out His love unto you– will you open your hearts to receive His love today?