By Winifred Choo
Summary
Before encountering Christ, I was insecure in my identity; I was what everyone needed me to be. However, in 2019 after being crushed by the weight of all my responsibilities and expectations. That was when I started journaling as a means to process my experiences and emotions. I was able to feel the Spirit move quietly and gracefully in my life, slowly and carefully untying the knots of my life and reshaping my identity. Knowing who I am made living life a lot more joyful, purposeful and worthwhile and by His grace I am confident in facing my adversities with peace and joy.
As a cradle catholic, I was born with the privilege of knowing the Lord, but it was a privilege that I took for granted. In primary school, He was my best friend when I felt lonely. In secondary school, He was my comforter when I was in excruciating pain before anyone believed me enough to come to my aid. In polytechnic and university, He was my compass as I struggled to find my identity and place in the world. In those moments, He was everything I needed him to be but perhaps I had taken the word “Saviour” too literally, because I remembered and called upon Him only when I was in peril and once I was out of the woods, He was easily forgotten. To put it quite bluntly, to say I took Him for granted would be quite an understatement because I had selfishly treated Him as a side character in the story of my life.
But back then, my identity was not one that was authentic, as the saying goes “when you don’t know who you are, you will believe what others say you are” and true enough, my identity was a mere account written by the people I had met and interacted with. It was superficial to say the least, but I thought it was better than having empty pages. However, like anything superficial, my identity had no roots and with no support or depth, it was easily displaced and destroyed.
Sure enough, at the end of 2019, at that time I was juggling between my final year project, school work, entrance exams and the deteriorating mental wellbeing of my then partner, this took a toll on my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. To manage the workload and caretaking, I slept for less than 2 hours each day and the immense stress gave me crippling migraines and anxiety. I told no one because I convinced myself that no one would care, and so though I looked fine on the exterior, in the interior I was exhausted and crushed under the weight of all my responsibilities. This led to my breaking point where the identity I worked so hard to build was completely erased and I was left with nothing, having felt like I failed as a daughter, student, friend and then partner despite my best efforts.
In the aftermath of the months-long ordeal, I was left mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. My soul felt so numb that I could not feel any emotion or pain. Through a friend, I was prompted to start journaling. Journaling was a process that was very uncomfortable but it was the only way I could identify my emotions and understand what they meant. It was through journaling my thoughts and emotions that I began to understand who I was. Penning my experiences has also enabled me to notice the little things and learn to be grateful for them. It was in acknowledging these little things I was able to feel the Spirit move quietly and gracefully in my life, carefully untying the knots of my life and reshaping my identity.
Through journaling, the Lord, so gently and lovingly, showed me my open wounds and tended to them. He also revealed to me things I have been holding onto that are not mine and things that I was not meant to keep. With his strength and grace, I was able to let go of them and in releasing them, He emptied my hands so they could receive the gifts He has so generously and kindly prepared for me. Journaling was also a way for me to turn back to the Lord, who I initially thought would reject me after having hurt him so many times. However, I did not have to look far because I found Him standing right in the middle of my mess with arms wide open. As it turned out, it was my absolute nothingness and surrender that gave Him space to move and transform my life.
Now I can boldly claim that “Christ lives in me.” However, though living in the truth and light makes living life a lot more joyful, meaningful and worthwhile, it is not easy. I still struggle with burning the ships, wrestling with the temptation to fall back into old, comfortable ways. I also still encounter trials and tribulations, as everyone does. However, with my newfound confidence in His love and grace, which alone are sufficient for me, I have the courage to face them with peace and joy.
Brothers and sisters, will you allow yourselves to be transformed today?
