by Fabiola Ee
Hi, my name is Fabiola. I am a young working adult. I was baptised at the age of 11, and my faith was almost non-existent until in 2017, when I had a deep encounter with Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit at the Conversion Experience Retreat (CER). Since then, I have taken steps to live out my faith, deepen my relationship with Christ, and grow as a disciple intentionally.
While trying to live my life in Christ allowed me to be more fulfilled, loving and joyful, there was a deep underlying loneliness that would surface from time to time in varying magnitudes. I was like a bottle of Coke, well packaged and looking fine on the outside. However, when old memories of being hurt, helpless and abandoned would arise, or when present day people and situations triggered these areas, I would feel shaken and loneliness would rise up. My comfort was in feeling that I had it all well contained and capped tightly. This was me being self-reliant as since a young age of about 7, I’ve learned to keep most of my emotions and hurts to myself. I was afraid to share as I felt it was my responsibility to keep my family together, and not saying a thing was the best way to protect each of them. I felt no one would understand what I was going through and I didn’t want me or my family to be judged by my friends.
In mid 2020, I began to feel dissatisfied with my job which I had previously enjoyed and felt fulfilled by. Coupled with a sense of emptiness and a desire for more in my life with Christ, I turned to prayer and sought to understand why I was feeling this way and what I should do. Attending the school was a response to God’s prompting for rest, a time to focus on myself and what I want, and His desire to heal me.
During SOW, at personal prayer times, prayer ministry and worship, a few themes kept recurring for me – to lay down my pride and the burdens I had been carrying, and to give voice to what I had suppressed within me – my hurts, emotions that I’d kept buried for years.
Through countless invitations and assurances given by Christ to not be afraid and take courage, I slowly began to surrender my fear of being in a state of vulnerability. I began to offer God my control over suppressing my emotions and the voice within me.
I was given a vision of Jesus holding my hand as we walked on a path. This companionship and the safety of His hand gave me the strength to say “Jesus, I’m ready to go deeper with you, help me to have the courage to walk deeper into this path that I fear.” As time flew by in SOW, Jesus gently revealed the source of the false belief that my emotions are not cared for and that they didn’t matter.
During one session, we were given the bible passage on Ezekiel 37:1-14, the valley of the dry bones, to pray and reflect upon. Through this, Jesus revealed that I’d had my own field of dry bones buried – my memories, hurts, emotions and regrets. There are also bones which are a part of me but have become dry and dead and removed – such as my joy, ability to love and be loved, my childlikeness, feeling belonged, and being carefree. This is the root cause of me believing in the lies that I’d been abandoned, that no one understands me, and the existential question of “who I belong to”.
The verse, “Mortal man, can these dry bones come back to life?” spoke out to me. At that moment, I felt Christ inviting me to give voice and ownership over these dry buried bones of mine, instead of trying to get rid of them or ignoring them, as they are all a part of me, the wholeness of how God has uniquely created me to be who I am. I knew this invitation goes deeper as I had to trust that Christ will bring these dry bones back to life.
With the revelations from Christ and a deeper uncovering, each dry bone of mine started coming alive. All I needed to do was to trust in Him, take courage, and respond through words and actions to His invitations. With each healing and restoration that He has done for me, I began to feel more and more liberated. In my deepest memories of abandonment, Christ gave light and helped me see another side of them where truth and love lies – it was the deep realisation of the heart that I’m truly loved and protected by my family and people in my life. My whole being and heart have been given freedom and joy. Through the grace of Christ, what was once my field of buried bones has now been transformed into a field of life where flowers bloom and where I can sing and dance freely.
My brothers and sisters, the Lord invites you who are weary and broken inside, to be restored and come alive with love and joy. Would you trust that He will satisfy your every desire?