by Jeffrey Espehana (NUS)
“A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I
will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
– Ezekiel 36:26
Before I met Jesus, my heart was cold and hard as stone. I kept people at a distance and trusted no one. I was by myself, a lone wolf. I justified this loneliness as a measure of strength, and that I did not need to depend on anyone. The people you love will always let you down, so why love anyone? Love yourself and the world is yours. There were very few people in my life that I could share my feelings, thoughts and worries with. Life became quite empty and meaningless, and that was the reality I had accepted at that time. However the day I met Jesus, everything I ever believed in changed.
Jesus came in a blaze of glory. He melted away all the ice that made my heart cold, lifeless and indifferent. Like a surgeon, he removed that heart of stone, and replaced it with a heart of flesh. A heart burning with flames of passion and conviction to deny myself, take up His cross and follow Him. From that moment, like St. Paul on the road to Damascus, I was changed. Jesus had claimed another heart, and I was forever determined to never stray from this path that I had chosen, the path to calvary. However, without anyone tending the flames of passion, they too will soon fade.
Jesus set my heart ablaze, and that passion pushed me to do all I could to follow Christ. It gave me the desire to share my story of faith and conversion with other people. I was inspired to journey with others in their search for Christ. I became more active in my parish community and when I entered university, it was only natural for me to join the Catholic Student society (CSS) in NUS. During my first semester I was really struggling to put God before all else, especially my studies and my ambition. I already had dreams and plans of where my life would go after university. I would get a scholarship, go overseas, get a Ph.D, and start a family and so on. I had plans for my own life and I could not surrender these things to Jesus. I was quite fixated on getting good grades and the hectic schedule soon took over. There were times where I pushed God away, replying to Him, “I’m busy, I’ve got no time for you, come back again later”. By the end of the semester I was completely drained, both in mind and spirit. I had moved further away from Jesus, the very person I promised I would follow always.
The fire in my heart was dwindling. I came for the Combined University Retreat with an empty heart. I did not know what I wanted out of the retreat. I mostly wanted to take a break and enjoy time spent together with my friends. Whether it was to take a break with Jesus, or from Jesus, I did not know. Going through the sessions of the first few days I was quite spiritually dry, nothing much stirred any emotions in my heart. To be perfectly honest I did not think that I needed to reconnect with Jesus.
Being an introvert, at times I felt very tired talking to and meeting new people, I just wanted to be left alone sometimes. It was on the second night, that I could not take it anymore, so after session ended; I headed straight to my room. As I was sitting in the room alone, I decided to read my journal and there I read my previous entries and it reminded me of my journey so far. I was reminded of the loneliness I used to put myself in, because of the fear of being rejected or forgotten. I also remembered that Jesus was the first person who reached out His hand and brought me out of darkness. He did not reject me, He did not forget me. It seemed at that time that I instead had forgotten Him. The next morning I decided that I wanted to start the day with Jesus, so I went into the prayer room. I sat there asking Jesus to help me come back to him. That I wanted to surrender all my hopes, dreams and plans at the foot of his cross.
The moment that really struck a chord in my heart was the session on the third day by Edwyn. Edwyn told us to hold the crucifix in front of us and surrender our life to Jesus and to make Him the Lord of your life. As I held it in front of me, I was reminded of that conviction I used have, and I longed to feel that same passion again. I held that cross and vowed to pick it up every day and follow Him. I wanted Jesus to claim lordship over my life again so that He might lead me wherever He wants me to go.
This retreat really helped me to reconnect with Jesus, to rekindle the fire in my heart, to love him and serve him always. Through wonderful sessions, daily mass, and group sharing, I really experienced what it was like to be a CATHOLIC student, instead of a catholic STUDENT. It was a very enjoyable time spent with fellow students from the other universities, to laugh and share about the joys that Jesus has brought to our lives. The spirit of fellowship and vulnerability in this retreat was something very extraordinary as well, something I have not experienced before. It was just something quite unusual yet fulfilling.
Thank you OYP for organising this wonderful retreat. University life sometimes takes a toll on our spiritual lives, and this retreat was a wonderful opportunity to come back to him, to spend time with Jesus and friends. To remember that amongst the busyness of work and school, Jesus is ultimately the reason we go on living, and that he is our only source of strength. I would definitely come back to this retreat again!
