By Francine Ho, NTU
Jesus: my Lord who never stops fighting for me
“Never enough”, these words seemed to be the only 2 words I knew how to attach to myself. They ruled me and took a hold of my freedom for the longest time. I grew up as the oldest of 6 children and even though my parents were wonderful and never asked much of me, I felt the need to be a responsible older sister and daughter. Throughout my childhood, I remember forcing myself to neglect my own needs and desires because I believed that my parents needed to attend to my siblings and did not have time for me. Although this was not true at all, it caused me to think that I had to earn love from the people around me. I strived to please everyone and when I failed to do so countless times, it led me to believe that I would never be enough and that I was undeserving of love.
By the grace of God, I came to encounter the reality of His love during the School of Witness 2019. The school allowed me to recognize how my fear of being unloved was restricting me from the freedom God desired for me. My healing journey began in those two months, I started to claim the truth that the Lord loves me for who I am and that I do not have to fight for His love.
Since coming to know Jesus, I have grown in learning to place my identity in the Lord instead of the world and this has definitely given me greater freedom and joy. However, the lies that I had believed about myself for 19 years do not fade away easily and many times, I still fall back into my fear of not being good enough.
This insecurity surfaced when I stepped up for a leadership role in my university community. I was appointed as the publicity officer and even though it was a role I was inclined to, I was crippled by my fear. Lies flooded my head, telling me I was not good enough and not gifted with the charism for publicity. I compared myself to the previous publicity officer and I was afraid that I would disappoint the community and disappoint God. The words “you cannot do it” repeated in my head and consumed me.
But the Lord saw me in my struggle and saved me from myself, like He always does. Through prayer and conversations with my sisters in Christ, I recognized that this role I was given was not a coincidence. God chose me and called me personally to lead in this way and had great plans in store for me. I received the truth that Jesus is always with me so “I can do it”, even when I believe otherwise. I was filled with so much fear but the Lord held me gently, He comforted me, assured me and promised me that He would see me through.
Although I continued to struggle at times in my leadership term, God continued to show up. His Light broke the darkness of the unbelief I was drowning in. Looking back on my experience, I can see how the Holy Spirit was with me every step of the way, protecting me from the lies and guiding me in the truth of who God says I am. I’ve learnt to claim the truth that God knows better than me and I need to believe that I am exactly where He wants me to be. I am chosen and not forsaken, He sees me and is proud of me. I choose again to commit to believe the truth that I am first and foremost a beloved child of God, loved for who I am, not what I do.
Over the past 2 years of living in greater discipleship for the Lord, I have been pushed and stretched in painful ways. But in this crushing and pressing, God has also healed me in beautiful ways that I could never have imagined. I have come to recognize and accept that I do have weaknesses and I do make mistakes, but nothing can ever take God’s love away from me.
Following the Lord does not make me a superhero, I am still growing and I will still be attacked by my fear and insecurity but I am confident that I can battle these lies because I have a God who is faithful and who will never forsake me. The Lord continues to remind me of who He is and who I am to Him time and time again. Every time I find myself thinking that I am not good enough, I will choose to rely on God’s strength and fight for myself and believe that I am called and chosen by Jesus. I am enough if God says I am enough.
Brothers and sisters, the Lord continues to fight for you and pursue you and love you every day of your life. We have to be firm and take a stand against what the evil one tells us and choose to claim the truth that we are beloved children of God, always showered with God’s love. The truth is that God is always on your side but whose side are you on?