By Rayshawn Patrick
My name is Rayshawn. I am 19 this year and I grew up in a family of 5. Growing up, I was constantly told that I was not good enough and that led me to live a life of pleasure. I also found myself often getting into trouble. I felt that doing all this would make me feel good about myself, but it did not.
At 15, I encountered Jesus at my confirmation retreat. I left my old self behind, but I was still trapped in the lie of not being good enough. I felt like I needed to really prove myself since I could not show my parents that I had changed, I thought that I could prove myself in church and especially to God. I always felt like I needed to do things well so that I would not disappoint the people around me or even God. If I did something wrong no matter how small it was, I would beat myself up thinking that I was useless and could not do anything right.
In 2020, I became so exhausted at trying to be good, I fell to the lowest point of my life. I was filled with low self-confidence and lots of self-condemnation. I began to struggle a lot with God. I was so upset and angry with Him because I felt like even with God in my life, I was so unhappy and so tired of trying to be a better person. So, I decided to “leave the faith” and to go out searching for things again that would make me happy.
In November, I came across a poster about the School of Witness (SOW) and while discerning about it, I received the phrase “I’m full but not satisfied” and I related it to my relationship with God. So I decided to sign up for SOW, desiring satisfaction and freedom in the Lord.
There were 2 moments of significance, first, I encountered the Lord’s love for me during the outpouring session. As I rested in the spirit I felt this immense love from the Lord and I felt all the burdens and lies lifted off me. I felt so light and so free and as I was resting, I heard a voice from God telling me that I am His beloved Son and that I am good enough. Second, during the Father’s love session where we had to approach a proxy father and receive a hug, and after that allow them to wash our feet. I struggled when the proxy father was washing my feet because I felt like I was a son that was so far away and there was nothing I could do to receive such love. Yet our Father calls me worthy and all I had to do was to be loved. This encounter freed me from all lies that I am not being good enough and that I was not worthy enough. Now I know that I do not need to prove myself nor seek worldly affirmation because He calls me son and He loves me for who I am.
Now that my heart has found freedom in being loved by the Lord I can honestly say that where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. My constant Yes to the truth of being his beloved has given me new sight and to stand firm in my identity in the father. I claim this truth that He has already won the battle for me and will continue fighting every battle with me when I face the lies because nothing is impossible with God. SOW was a time of true grace and He revealed to me his completely unconditional, limitless love. My life after SOW has been a time filled with His love and He has constantly given me the grace to be more patient with my family, friends and even myself. Having stepped up as a leader in a community has also helped me to desire Jesus in other people’s lives and has also helped me grow in my faith through the supportive people around me that challenges me. Even though I may face the uncertainty in my life, The Lord has given me the new sight to see Him in the little things and reminding that He is always there watching over me.
So, brothers and sisters, would you allow the Lord to move you and to step out of your darkness and into the light? Amen.
