by Melissa Lee (above image, middle), 25 years old
“Let God tend to others first. I’m feeling okay. I can deal with it later.”
These thoughts were on my mind before coming into the School of Witness (SOW). Being in ministry for a while had me thinking that I was okay, I didn’t have any hurts, or even if I had them, I could deal with them later because they’re just small hurts and they’re not affecting me anyway. Why bother diving deeper when they’re not bringing me harm? Little did I know that in having these thoughts, I was actually digging a hole to bury everything. The more I busied my mind with things, the deeper the hole grew.
Furthermore, having been told before that I was dumb, I had come believed that I was not good enough and was even afraid to ask questions, because I didn’t want to appear stupid and ignorant. When my friends told me I was wise and that my words had somehow touched their hearts, I doubted it very much. Despite all this, I felt like God was speaking to me through a friend who told me that “whatever God reveals, he wants to heal”. I knew that coming into SOW, there was no running or hiding or busy-ing myself with things. So I decided to surrender my fears and anxiousness to Him.
Coming to the school, I was made aware of all the things that I had buried deep down in my heart. God started to reveal to me painful memories that I didn’t know had caused me deep hurt. I struggled in those moments and wanted to run away. But God was patient with me and he assured me that he was sitting with me.
During one of the sessions, the Blessed Sacrament was brought around to each one of us. I was anxious, and ashamed to face Jesus, as I felt like I was a failure. However, when the Blessed Sacrament came to me, the words “do not fear my child, look at me” rang in my ears. It was Jesus’ words to me. As I looked at him and poured out my heart to Him, I felt a deep deep sense of peace and joy. This was a new peace that held me together as all my pain was released to Jesus. As though I was a tree that wasn’t shaken by the storm because I am deeply rooted in this peace.
I then had an image that my heart had been like a barren field where I buried all my hurts and pain, thinking that no one will dig it up. On the contrary, Jesus dug up all of these when he was revealing the memories. As he dug, he emptied out the holes and filled them with his living water and peace so that I may remember to drink from His living water; instead of going back to burying things inside.
More testimonies on healing:
I now claim the truth that I do matter in His eyes, and that Jesus desires to heal me first as much as I want others to be healed. And I know now that whatever he reveals, I should not be afraid because Jesus is there with me and sitting through it together with me. I realised that healing isn’t done in an instant snap of the fingers. Instead, it is a process, and I am in the midst of it, allowing Jesus to do his work in me. Although at times I still have a fear of topics that are brought that I don’t understand, I’ve slowly learnt to reject the voice in my head that tells me ‘Hah, you don’t know anything and you can’t connect to them.’ Instead, I pluck up the courage to ask questions.
The barren land in my heart is now sprouting with new plants and I am indeed still a work in progress, but never too broken beyond healing. John 10:10 says “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I’ve come that they may have life, life to the full.”
Today I claim that Jesus desires fullness of life for me and he is the gardener, working on my heart. Will you allow Jesus to show you the life you were meant to live today? Amen.