Before encountering Christ, I was insecure in my identity; I was what everyone needed me to be. However, in 2019 after being crushed by the weight of all my responsibilities and expectations. That was when I started journaling as a means to process my experiences and emotions. I was able to feel the Spirit move quietly and gracefully in my life, slowly and carefully untying the knots of my life and reshaping my identity. 

But choosing to let go of something that I had wanted for so long and something that was a part of me for so long, how could I possibly do that? I went back and forth for weeks with the decision and fear really took a hold on me. Slowly, God revealed to me that He had made me for more, for Himself.

I felt like I was a son that was so far away and there was nothing I could do to receive such love. Yet our Father calls me worthy and all I had to do was to be loved.

After barely getting through A-levels, I signed up for the School of Witness in 2019, as a desperate cry to Jesus to save me from my darkness. It was here at rock bottom that I discovered the depth of God’s love for me.

Something had clearly been lacking from my life. I felt empty very often and I simply could not be content when I had tons to be grateful for. I thirsted for the fullness of life, but I did not know where to find it. 

Through the uncertainty, I had grown in my trust in the Lord; through the freedom of time, I had grown in cultivating my life of prayer. Amidst my own doubts, and the voices of those around me that questioned why I wasn’t taking more active steps to secure a job, I had to grow in trust to continue believing that He had a good plan for me, and that things would work out in His time.

But choosing to let go of something that I had wanted for so long and something that was a part of me for so long, how could I possibly do that? I went back and forth for weeks with the decision and fear really took a hold on me. Slowly, God revealed to me that He had made me for more, for Himself.

All my life I had made plans for myself or had let circumstance dictate my path. For the first time in my life, I felt that perhaps God would know better than I did, what I wanted or needed, and so I decided that I would give Him this opportunity to show me what He desired for me.

Bringing these thoughts to light in the safe space of community, I was reminded that Jesus often drew to lonely places to pray to God. The Lord desired to meet me in this lonely place and make it into a sacred place by speaking Love to this littleness I felt. Instead of trying to find comfort in friends which I would usually do, the Lord invited me to be consoled by Him and Him alone. He gave me the opportunity to rely on Him, to offer all I have to him. 

Living in a 3-generation household of five meant that the house was always filled with chatter, laughter and noise. With the addition of several pets at home, I was fortunate to find that companionship was always available. However, living in close quarters also meant that I had to face the realities of a crowded home – miscommunication, disparities in mindsets and personalities often resulted in misunderstandings and hurts

During Confession, I told Father the exact nature of my wrongdoing. He listened intently, his facial expression unchanged. What Father said afterwards was a blur but I simply recall feeling loved. After I said the act of contrition, he gave me the absolution.

How strange. Is it this easy to be loved? I just have to be myself? But what about my sin? Could God be this good that he would forgive me immediately after I offended him?

Before I came to know Jesus, I was a man who believed heavily in the pleasures of the world. Many of my thoughts and actions revolved around worldly expectations. So often, I found myself wanting to be validated in every aspect of my life. However, deep down, I was never satisfied with the praises and achievements I got.

In my heart, one question that kept repeating was “How could I lead others to Christ when I couldn’t even lead myself to find Him?” I felt woefully inadequate but also saw the funny side of the situation. After a couple months of discerning and a little thing called School of Christian Leadership, I realised that this was perhaps the Lord calling me towards to answer this question in my heart.

Beyond these victories God has won in my life, He continues to remind me of His unwavering presence with the blessings of what each day brings. I am still a work-in-progress, falling for occasional worldly pursuits and faltering to trust in God’s plans. But my heart is full, knowing that the Lord will always be my anchor. 

During the adoration of the Blessed Sacrament He asked me “Who do you say I am, Zachary?” and I replied, “Jesus, you are my Lord. I am afraid, I may be unworthy, but it is You who calm my fears and cast away my doubts. Give me the courage to be a vessel of your love to others as well. Nurture in me the heart of a good shepherd also.”