Project Living: Holy Saturday

“We regret to inform you that you did not pass the test.” A million thoughts raced through my mind when I saw the window pop-up at the corner of my laptop screen. I failed? The pop-up was an email notification of the results of a skills test which I had recently taken. Failing this test meant that I might not be able to pursue a career I believed I have a passion for. What can I do with my life now? I felt abandoned, confused and lost. Haven’t I been faithful to you Jesus? Why does this have to happen now? I can’t trust you.

Failing this test convinced me that I needed to take control into my own hands, and my mind went into overdrive. I began to open many tabs on my laptop screen, searching for other career options, companies that I could apply to etc. As I googled mindlessly, tears started to well up. Why do I not feel at peace? By God’s grace, I was reminded of a quote I had heard at a retreat I had recently attended.

“The most dangerous thing for the trapeze flyer to do is to try to grasp for the catcher’s hand,” 

That was it. I was grasping. In the face of failure, I had lost hope that God would catch me and protect me. I allowed my wound of rejection and my fear of abandonment to take over the driver’s seat in my life. So, I swung into mindless grasping in an attempt to gain control. Instead of trusting the Catcher, I allowed my fears to direct me as I tried to grasp for the Catcher’s hand. Is there any wonder why I didn’t feel at peace? 

As the tears fell, I chose to once again surrender my life and all my fears into the Catcher’s hands. I stopped desperately grasping, and allowed myself to be caught by him. As I took a deep breath, I slowly peeled myself away from my laptop screen, and went to take a nice long walk. 

This has been the story of my life and my faith journey again and again. In the face of apparent rejection, failure and/or abandonment, I grasp mindlessly in an attempt to hide my vulnerability. As we enter Holy Saturday, I wonder how the disciples must have felt in the face of apparent rejection, failure and abandonment from Jesus’ death on the cross. 

I wonder how I would have felt if I were them.