By Natasha Lye, Video by Francine Ho & Kathleen Utojo | See full video here
Growing up, I feared being unseen and forgotten. I spent my secondary school years trying to discover who I was but never found anything concrete. Instead, I based my identity on external and quantifiable things in life such as appearance and academic achievements. I wanted to prove that I am capable and confident in myself. However, beneath the facade of success and perfection, I was not confident in myself. I lived with an insecurity that others would discover my emotional and insecure side. I was deeply distrusting of people, even my friends, as I feared that they would not love me in my weakness. This fear of rejection caused me to be a very guarded and closed off person, even though I wanted to be loved.
During Junior College, the stress of school really got to me and I no longer had it all together. I searched for love in the form of relationships. However, my younger self did not realise that the hole in my heart could not be filled by one person. I placed unrealistic expectations on people to save me but went away disappointed and feeling forgotten. I spiralled into a really dark, lonely and sad place. I had no idea who I really was and believed that nobody loved me.
All of these years, the cry of my heart had actually been desiring a simple thing: to be loved and seen. I did not know that only Jesus could truly answer this cry. After barely getting through A-levels, I signed up for the School of Witness in 2019, as a desperate cry to Jesus to save me from my darkness. It was here at rock bottom that I discovered the depth of God’s love for me. During the 2 months of SOW, I slowly began to surrender to the Lord the darkness in my heart. I remember a night during prayer, I received an image of a sword piercing a black heart, rotting from decay and death. In place of this dead heart, I was given a heart of gold and light, fully alive. From here, there was a renewed desire in me to claim and believe that I am good. This not because of what I can do, but because of who I was created to be. This began my journey of transformation from a child who lived in darkness to a child of the light.
Having this newfound freedom and growing in security in the Lord, I desired to continue growing. Part of this journey required God’s healing of my broken relationship with my parents. Through prayer and reflection, it was revealed to me that the root of my insecurities was from the fear of not meeting my parents’ expectations and disappointing them. I was living in the lie that I am unworthy of their love. By grace I found courage to share with my parents how their expectations of me had contributed to the lies that I was unloved and unwanted. This began a process of forgiveness and reconciliation in my family. That was one of the first moments I encountered the Holy Spirit’s tangible stirring of my heart. Instead of isolating myself and shutting everyone out, the Lord continuously helps me to be vulnerable, honest and open to Him and people in my life.
After coming out of SOW, I made an intentional choice to follow Jesus with my whole heart. This entails a lot of letting go of many external sources of validation such as a relationship I was clinging so tightly onto, and coming to the simple place of learning to be solely satisfied and secure in God. In allowing God to be the first source of love, He began to heal my broken heart and bring me revival. It was during this time that I was preparing to enter university. Desiring to live as the child of light meant that I had to let go of old ways of living that had little room for God.
After going through a breakup, I had a lot of plans to live a very full university life in order to distract myself. However, through prayer, I realised that if I was serious about following Jesus, I needed to take practical actions to commit myself to Him, not only when it is convenient or when I felt like it. I decided not to live on campus for a variety of reasons, but ultimately I needed to grow in god-centeredness before pursuing anything else. Despite my apprehension, I also joined my first Catholic community in NUS which has brought about a lot of growth for my faith and helped me make faithful, Christ-centred friendships to journey together. Even small things like the music I listened to began to change. From angry and loud music, I started to listen to more peaceful praise and worship songs. Even the relationships I had with friends and family began to grow deeper as I shared my faith with them.
The Lord saved me by teaching me how to be vulnerable with Him and subsequently with others. I have learnt that I can choose to live a joyful and purposeful life. Living a life with Jesus as my best friend and confidant is what brings me fullness of life. Each time I feel alone and lost, I must fight the darkness and sit with Jesus instead. As I gaze upon the Eucharist, I know He is gazing back at me. Jesus is the light that enters my heart and begins to illuminate the darkest areas. Through Christ and in His light, I am a joy-filled child of God and I am seen.
Eph 5:8 For once you were darkness, but now in the Lord you are light. Live as children of light—
