by Sabrina Lee
Before attending School of Witness, I was active in my parish and university Catholic community. People would tell me that I am warm and approachable and I was pleased with myself because that was the image I was trying to portray. My own personal prayer life was dry and I was running on my own fuel, thriving off the affirmations of others. This was incredibly exhausting and I lived with insidious anxiety. I constantly analyzed every situation to figure out the person I had to be to fit in, and in the process, I forgot who I was. No one was allowed to see the side of me that felt insecure, insignificant, and insufficient because it is the total opposite of who I want to be and who others say I am, and I have to live up to these expectations – or better, exceed them.
I shielded my fragile heart with my rationality and reasoned away every emotion and situation. I wanted people to see me as someone confident and in control. My pride disguised my self-rejection, and crouching behind the desire to please, was the paralysing fear and deep-seated belief that I am unlovable, disposable, and replaceable.
During the school, I came face to face with the reality that I had been selling my heart to every idol and temptation that crossed my path. When God told me that He wants to restore me and make me whole again, I sneered. I told myself there was no way. And even if there was a way, why would God want a heart with so many cracks and holes, so many stitches, and patches? But God revealed that He yearned for me. He did not greet my unfaithful heart with scorn. Instead, He ran to me and rejoiced! With this invitation, God began rebuilding and strengthening the self-made foundations of my life.
During an activity, as I pressed a shapeless block of clay between my fingers and palms, the Lord whispered tenderly to me. He said that the first thing He did when He held the shapeless clay that was to be me, was to indent His thumbprint. Before I could do anything to prove my worth, He claims me first and foremost as His masterpiece within which He poured out all His love and skill. I bear the signature of the Almighty God Most High.
More testimonies on the love of God the Father:
There has been no insanely high moment or turning point, but I claim the truth that this is because God wants me to fall in love with Him and not be infatuated by Him. He doesn’t want me to rely on highs to sustain my relationship with Him. He challenges me to find Him in the smallest of things the same way I can find Him in the biggest.
While previously I felt insecure, insignificant and insufficient, God assures me that I am secure in Him, significant to Him and sufficient through Him. I can strive for excellence not because I want others to affirm me, but because my Creator made me excellent. Through God’s grace, and as I hone the gifts He has given me, I am becoming more and more the daughter He created me to be. I no longer have to be bound by the chains of my past because they have already been broken. I stand firm knowing that nothing can separate me from Him nor take His mark away from me. He tells me that He won’t give me up for anything, but that He would give up everything for me.
These are truths that I have to constantly remind myself of at every moment of every day because the evil one comes to sow lies to make me doubt the redemptive and restorative work that God has done and continues to do in me. I pray for a spirit of remembrance and anticipation. The Lord says there is work to be done. He already stands beside you.
My brothers and sisters, the question is: are you ready to take the next step with Him?
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