by Patricia Choo
I come from a family of six. I have an older sister and 2 younger brothers. While growing up, I do not recall my dad being very involved in my life. He was usually busy working at his clinic during the day and night shifts at the hospital. He was not the kind to attend parent-teacher conferences nor play with his kids. I heard from my mom that he didn’t even carry my siblings and I when we were babies. He was stern and did not fail to point out our mistakes and discipline us. I grew up fearful of and distant from him. Though I knew that his hard work allowed us to live a comfortable life, I craved to be loved by him and desired for him to be near me. I remember laying on my parents’ bed at night beside my mom and hearing her cry herself to sleep and it broke my heart. As my dad couldn’t physically be there for her, I felt that I had to be the pillar of support for my mom. I grew up fast and became the responsible child. All of these experiences led to a controlling nature and unhealthy self-reliance.
Unknowingly, my experience with my earthly father affected the way I viewed the Lord. I found it difficult to reconcile with the idea of God as a loving father and this prevented me from receiving His love. I came to believe in the lies that He has so many other children with bigger problems than mine and that my problems were not significant enough for Him. I also doubted that He would hear and answer me. Whenever I saw what others had, I felt worthless and believed that God had forgotten me.
I came to the School of Witness hoping to experience the Lord’s presence in my life and to know Him.
During a para-liturgy on forgiveness, thoughts of God forsaking me during my childhood came rushing back. I recalled the times when I needed Him and called to Him but He was nowhere to be found. In my reflection, I realised that a lot of these hurts stemmed from my feelings of abandonment. When we were asked to release forgiveness to those who had hurt us, I did. However, I didn’t feel any change in my heart. I envied what others felt – the feelings of alleviation of their pains and liberation. I believed that the Lord had forgotten about me again.
But the Lord truly works in mysterious ways. While writing in my journal at the end of the night, I had a revelation that perhaps the way that He appeared to me was not the way I had expected. This whole time, I had been seeking the wrong signs and concluded that God had forgotten about me. This whole time, I was focusing on others and what God was doing for them, but not on what He was doing for me. A quiet understanding rested in my heart, that the Lord is a personal God who knows me very well, and appears to me in a way that would speak best to my heart. This revelation gave me the courage to revisit other painful memories that had surfaced. Revisiting those memories with the grace of God helped me to receive healing.
More testimonies on the love of God the Father:
Writing this testimony was difficult because I allowed myself to believe the lies that I had not been healed and that I do not have a “success” story. However, the Lord sends me kingdom friends who desire my liberation from these lies. They remind me of how far I’ve come and continue to shower me with the truth. I claim that I am continually being healed by the Lord, that I am not forgotten and that He has great and marvellous plans for me. This was turning point of my conversion. When I finally let God be God.
I choose to give Him full control of my life today and every day. Will you let Him do the same for you?
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