by Nicole Lim, 19 years old
When I was young, I was a very friendly child. However, an incident that occurred caused me to recoil into a shell of timidity. On the first day of primary school, I tried to make new friends with the two girls sitting behind me. After confidently saying ‘Hi’, telling them my name and asking if we could be friends, they told me to mind my own business. I remember feeling very dejected and worthless. Unknowingly, the incident caused me to live my life scrutinising every move I made so that I would do the ‘right’ thing and say the ‘right’ words that would ultimately allow me to be accepted by those around me. I wanted to meet others’ expectations of me so that I could gain their favour and seem valued. If I did something wrong, I would feel terrible and guilty about it because I was afraid that others would reject me and abandon me. From then on, I’ve always held this negative script that I would never be good enough for others, that I was incapable of being loved. I acted how others would have liked me to act so that I could fit in and be accepted by those around me. I was no longer my own person as I allowed others’ image of me to lead and guide my life. On hindsight, I never realised that this took a toll on me until I entered the School of Witness.
During an inner healing session, the Lord revealed to me the image of a wounded knee with glass shards and splinters sticking out. The glass shards and splinters were representative of the long-held hurts deeply ingrained in my being. However, in the same image, I also saw Jesus’ bare, careful fingers that gently, softly, lovingly and meticulously pulled out these glass shards and splinters. I was in awe that my God was willing to bear the pain of plucking out these hurtful memories and bearing it in His own hands. This healing came from a place of intimacy instead of detachment and distance. This overwhelmed me with a deep reassurance that Jesus was not merely doing a quick fix to bandage my wounds. He faithfully stays by my side to clean and disinfect my wounds until they have healed completely. Jesus had begun to help me pinpoint and heal these memories that I never knew caused me so much hurt over all these years.
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Now, I can claim the truth with greater courage that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God – that I was created out of love and for love. In the past, this phrase was just a ‘feel-good’ statement and something that I’ve heard thousands of times and grown indifferent to. However, I can now proclaim this truth with greater conviction, faith and belief that His love is for me is indeed real and true. I no longer need to chase after the approval and acceptance of others nor think about what they would think of me as I can now turn to the Father’s love which always accepts me for who I am.
The lies that I am not good enough and that I cannot be loved still creep into my mind at times especially when I hear the passing comments of others. However, in these moments I can now turn to Jesus and call upon His name to loudly proclaim His truths over these lies that continue to have a hold on me. Recently, a relative made a comment that triggered these negative scripts. But in that moment, God’s grace allowed me to open up my heart to claim the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I no longer needed to rely on myself to shut out these negative scripts, instead, I can turn to Jesus’ love for me that reassures me that I am worthy. I can confidently rely on this truth because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. This step to trust in Jesus may seem scary but it is so freeing and full of love so the question is, are you willing to take a step out of fearfulness into fearlessness in Jesus Christ?
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