Crystal Peh, 19 years old
Growing up in a family of six, I constantly feared that I was unwanted and unloved. I often chose to lock myself away, and be a lone ranger. I also hid behind a smile, telling others I was okay when I actually wasn’t. I thought that this would prevent me from being hurt by others, and I told myself that it was okay to fend for myself, and not let others into my life.
The fear of not being good enough also hounded me. When I did not do well at school in junior college, I became increasingly suffocated by my self-doubt and I started to distance myself from God. I felt that God had forgotten me, and left me to fend for myself as I was not good enough. I did not think that I was worthy of the steadfast love from the Father that I’ve heard of all my life. As a result, I began to rely on my own strengths to get through school and life, and I based my abilities on what other people told me I could do.
During the School of Witness, my false images of God slowly started to become corrected as I learnt more about Him. Before, I had viewed God merely as a vending machine whose sole purpose was to dispense good things. I failed to recognise all the good works God had done in my life and all the blessings I had received from Him. However, through the sessions, reflections and prayer times, God gradually revealed to me where He had been all this while. He constantly reminded me of His love for me and that I have never been forsaken by Him.
During an inner healing session, God revealed two rather painful memories that I had suppressed for a long time. I had no intention on revisiting those memories, but God insisted that I put the memories to paper and reflect on them. One memory was of my elder sister. Being merely 11 months apart, I was often compared to her; and as she was the brighter child, I always fell short of expectations. In this memory, I remembered her telling me that I was worthless, a waste of space, and I would fail my A levels. There were so many emotions involved as I pondered on these memories. I could not fathom why God would make me relive these memories even though He knew how much they hurt me. I did not realise that these memories were one of the main root causes to my insecurities of feeling unloved, unwanted and inadequate.
That night during a para-liturgy activity, as my cell group members carried me to the cross and prayed over me, the message they had for me was that I was fiercely loved by God. There was an image of a gushing waterfall that showed no signs of ever running dry. This was a reminder to me that God’s love is so abundant. It flows through me and engulfs me, leaving no part of my body spared. As I received this truth, my eyes welled up as I was reminded again that God will always be waiting for me to return home to Him.
More testimonies on the Father’s love and image of God:
I now know that God is fighting my battles alongside me and has brought me out of the darkness into His glorious light. I am convinced that I am His beloved child and I know that He has set me free from the chains that bound me. The joy I’ve experienced only encourages me to seek God more in my life and allow His graces to bless me and make me whole again.
I am still a work in progress and my wounds are still being healed. I know there will be many instances where the enemy will try to steal, kill and destroy all the restorative works God has begun in my life. However, through the truths that I claim daily, I am constantly reminded of the Father’s love for me. I know that He has great plans for me, and all I need to do is trust in Him; for it is said in Ecclesiastes 3:11 “God has made everything beautiful in its time”. As I continue this journey of faith, I want to constantly claim the truth that nothing is impossible with God. I know I am God’s original masterpiece, and He is constantly making me into a better version of myself.
So my dear friends, will you too be open to the promptings of God and let Him work wonders in your life?
Related artwork and photo-reflections:
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He Makes Everything Beautiful
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Bearing Our Crosses
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He Makes Me Strong
